Friday, July 30, 2010


Last week, we attended the funeral of an 18 year old man that was tragically killed in a car accident. This young man was the son of Chris' parent's oldest friends.

It was a really tough funeral. He was so young, taken way too soon. I can't even begin to imagine how one would deal with such a tragic loss.

On the way home from the funeral, Chris and I were discussing the horrors of losing a child or a spouse. I didn't cry during the funeral, but I did cry on the way home, when it was just the two of us. I think that while talking about it with Chris and about our wishes for our own funerals, it just hit me how fragile life is. How your entire world can change in an instant.

The thought of something happening to Chris or the boys or my sisters or parents just paralyzes me with fear. I know that some day I will have to deal with death in my immediate family, but I just can't even imagine how I will cope with that kind of heartache. I guess you just do it when you are faced with it, and I don't think it is something that you can prepare for.

With me staring down my imminent air travel and the fears I have about that, in the back of my mind is this issue of mortality. (Note: I know that the likelihood of anything happening during my trip is so slim it isn't even worth thinking about, but this is what I do- think the worst.)

I know it is morbid, and I know that I always think of the worst case scenario, but this last week I've been thinking about what I would want my loved ones to remember about me if something were to happen.

I would want my boys to know that I love them unconditionally and with a fierceness I didn't know I posessed before I had kids. I delight in seeing them grow and learn new things every day. I wish I could bottle up their curiosity, the feeling of their soft little bodies, their sloppy kisses and their laughter to enjoy for the rest of my life. I would want them to know that even when there were days that it seemed I was always getting mad at them, that I loved them and would do anything for them.

I would want Chris to know that he is the love of my life, the shining star in my nights, the blazing sun of my days, my best friend. I can't even begin to imagine a life that we weren't at eachother's side.

I can't even continue this post because I know that it is crazy and also because I have now made myself cry. Time to keep calm and carry on, to take a deep breath and put my trust in God and focus on the wedding that we are getting ready to attend.

I just needed to let my anxiety come through my fingers onto the keyboard, to get these pent up feelings out. You may think that I am a raving lunatic, which is probably a little bit true. ;-)


Miss. Candy said...

What a tough thing!!!! My thoughts and prayers are with all. I am very anxiety ridden when it comes to stuff like this!

The Tompkins Family said...

So difficult. I think it's normal (at least I hope it is) to think the what ifs. I know from time to time, I focus on something awful happening and what I would do or be forced to do in such a situation. It always makes me sick and yet I can't stop myself from letting my thoughts stray. Life is so very precious and although it's morbid and maybe a bit crazy, at the very least it makes me very grateful and appreciative for what I have!


Pamela said...

I think as parents we all have those feelings from time to time. Especially when you hear of a tragidity on the tv/news or when it happens to someone close to you. You are not alone on this journey, we have all been there.

CanadianMama said...

Heavy stuff indeed. And I agree, I never want to think about losing someone close; it would be just so hard! That being said I know those in your life know those things Janice. You don't have to tell them - they know!

Hope you have a wonderful weekend and a wicked trip to Orlando. I will be thinking of the nice weather and great shopping you will be doing!! Also, good luck with your flight. You will be fine but I'm sure the meds will be lovely lol!

Karyn said...

When the time comes, you will have what it takes to meet the death of one of your loved ones. You don't have it now because you don't need it, but it will be there. Trust me. And trust God. As Corrie ten Boom's father always told her..."You don't get the train ticket until it is time to board the train"

As for how your family will remember you...... I was struck by this at Aunt Lilly's funeral. Such a legacy.

If I want those kinds of words said about me, I must live that life. It is inspiring to think that the choices I make each day will have an impact on what I leave behind.....because of Lilly's life, she is never really gone - she deposited so much into so many - especially her kids and grandkids. That is what I want.

Thanks for reminding me. I may need to brush up on some of my 'legacy behaviors'. :)

And no worries....your boys and your man KNOW what they mean to you. You are that kind of person. One who isn't stingy with your affection and your deep love.

Jay said...

Well, being in the Funeral Industry, I have learned that speaking of death is a very healthy and NORMAL thing.

If you don't express your wishes for your funeral, it is a big mess for your family. And it can be so expensive.

I spoke with Brock about this the other day, he isn't keen on discussing it, but I am. I want to start a Funeral Savings Plan, so that when the time does come, my family will not have to worry about it.

A lot of people (usually seniors) pre-arrange their services at a set funeral home. For instance, if someone pre-arranged with us at Serenity, we would write up a contract with their wishes, they would be given a total, and they would pay it either as a lump sum, or in installments. If they live 20 years longer, and the prices have skyrocketed - too bad. They locked in their prices then (There are some funeral homes that were doing funerals worth thousands for mere hundreds, as outlined by a 30 year contract.)

I kind of got off topic - as your sister, and one of your best friends, I would be broken if you weren't here. But I would never doubt the love you have for your family.