This is an update to my post yesterday.
Yesterday I had a tough day. It seemed like one thing after another was going wrong and I was losing control.
Yes, that's right. Control.
After talking to a friend about my feelings and then getting a comment on yesterday's post from my aunt, I sat and really thought through why I always feel a need to "fix" things.
I'm a control freak. My sisters, parents, husband, and friends will all likely agree. I am the oldest child, I'm bossy, I like to have things my way. Even when it comes to small things such as cleaning, it has to be my way.
When our oldest son was a baby, I had a hard time relinquishing control to Chris. I preferred to bath, change, dress and feed Luca because no one could do it as well as I could. No one else did it "just so". I did get better at letting him do things, it just took time.
I'm anal about many other things. Things that don't bother other people. My kids MUST eat and drink at the table - not anywhere else in the house. Toys belong in the toy room, not the kitchen.
I'm a book lover and spines must not be cracked, pages can not be bent or dog eared. My most loved books still look brand new. Many people won't borrow books from me because it is too much hassle to ensure that they stay in their pristine state. That's fine by me.
I don't like amusment rides, boats or airplanes because I am not in control. It has taken me many years to not freak out when Chris was driving, because, you guessed it- I am not in control.
I realized yesterday that my need to always fix things puts me in control of the situation. Not being in control is frightening and foreign to me. I don't know what to do when I am not in charge. I have a hard time letting someone else make decisions and leaving the "ball in someone else's court".
Its not a bad thing that I like everyone to be happy and do my best to make it that way, but as my aunt said in her post, its bad when I'm doing it to control the situation.
(I just have to point out here that my aunt is the oldest of 4 children, and a teacher like me. We have a lot in common, perhaps that's why we both struggle with letting go of control?)
Being aware of an issue is the first step to making a change. I'm trying to not panic when I'm not in control. Is not going to be easy, but I'm going to *try* to step back out of the spotlight and let someone else stand there for a bit.