Mortality

Last week, we attended the funeral of an 18 year old man that was tragically killed in a car accident. This young man was the son of Chris' parent's oldest friends.

It was a really tough funeral. He was so young, taken way too soon. I can't even begin to imagine how one would deal with such a tragic loss.

On the way home from the funeral, Chris and I were discussing the horrors of losing a child or a spouse. I didn't cry during the funeral, but I did cry on the way home, when it was just the two of us. I think that while talking about it with Chris and about our wishes for our own funerals, it just hit me how fragile life is. How your entire world can change in an instant.

The thought of something happening to Chris or the boys or my sisters or parents just paralyzes me with fear. I know that some day I will have to deal with death in my immediate family, but I just can't even imagine how I will cope with that kind of heartache. I guess you just do it when you are faced with it, and I don't think it is something that you can prepare for.

With me staring down my imminent air travel and the fears I have about that, in the back of my mind is this issue of mortality. (Note: I know that the likelihood of anything happening during my trip is so slim it isn't even worth thinking about, but this is what I do- think the worst.)

I know it is morbid, and I know that I always think of the worst case scenario, but this last week I've been thinking about what I would want my loved ones to remember about me if something were to happen.

I would want my boys to know that I love them unconditionally and with a fierceness I didn't know I posessed before I had kids. I delight in seeing them grow and learn new things every day. I wish I could bottle up their curiosity, the feeling of their soft little bodies, their sloppy kisses and their laughter to enjoy for the rest of my life. I would want them to know that even when there were days that it seemed I was always getting mad at them, that I loved them and would do anything for them.

I would want Chris to know that he is the love of my life, the shining star in my nights, the blazing sun of my days, my best friend. I can't even begin to imagine a life that we weren't at eachother's side.

I can't even continue this post because I know that it is crazy and also because I have now made myself cry. Time to keep calm and carry on, to take a deep breath and put my trust in God and focus on the wedding that we are getting ready to attend.

I just needed to let my anxiety come through my fingers onto the keyboard, to get these pent up feelings out. You may think that I am a raving lunatic, which is probably a little bit true. ;-)